


A Kiss from the Captain's Daughter

by Maldoror_Chant



Category: One Piece
Genre: Gen, Humor, Parody, Pirates, Taking swipes at Mary Sue tropes, twist (of sorts)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-17 01:17:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14177442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maldoror_Chant/pseuds/Maldoror_Chant
Summary: Franky had never imagined his two fearsome new bros could have such a look of fear and horror on their faces. But it turned out there were perils on the ocean that Franky had never dreamed of.





	A Kiss from the Captain's Daughter

**Author's Note:**

> Readers familiar with nautical terms or sea shanties will probably not be that surprised, or amused. Sorry!

Scowling, fearsome and very much unwashed, the pirates surrounded their three prisoners. The mood was ugly, and suggestions were flying around on how to make it uglier still.

"I say keelhaul 'em. Can't go wrong with a classic, aye."

"But the captain wants 'em alive."

"Okay, just keelhaul 'em a little."

"You can't keelhaul someone a _little_ , you scurvy-addled swab."

"Who you calling a swab, you scabby arse?!"

The quartermaster ignored the shoving match which had broken out behind him. He rolled the shag of vile tobacco he was chewing to his other cheek and nodded at the three prisoners like a vulture bobbing its head. "Captain said to make them talk, tell us where their friends are. Red hot irons will make them talk, I wager. Irons'll make them sing like three lil' maids from school."

"Nah, I don't think so," said Franky after due consideration.

"I'd have to know the lyrics," Sanji concurred.

"My swords do the singing for me," said Zoro, giving the quartermaster, gunner and sailing master - who'd each taken one of his blades as booty - a look that promised one hell of a painful reckoning soon. 

"If you knew what those pieces of metal meant to him, guys, you'd give them back now," Sanji advised the three pirates with a lazy quirk of the lips. "It's a swordsman thing. Let's just say, he _can_ sing without them, but only soprano, if you foll- hey! Cut that out, seaweed!" 

Several pirates were bowled over in the ensuing scuffle. Franky didn't think this won his nakama any friends, not that they'd had any in the first place. The three of them had let themselves be captured as per the plan, but Zoro and Sanji had been a bit overzealous with the token resistance. Franky, by comparison, had been Smooth and Super and had not gone overboard at all. Not one bit. It wasn't his fault all the guys he'd punched had glass jaws. And glass stomachs and gizzards and legs- 

Another bandaged pirate staggered out of the infirmary and joined what was rapidly looking like a lynch mob.

"Shut up, all of youse," ordered the quartermaster, before giving the three men an evil, black-toothed grin. "We have our orders what to do wi' them. Take those bilge-suckers aft. The captain's daughter has some questions she'd like to ask. She's sure to take a shine to three pretty boys like these." Cue greasy laughter from his audience.

Franky scoffed. "You're wasting your time, ugly, she ain't gonna get a word out of us, right, guys? Guys...?"

Instead of pitching in with their own repartee, Sanji and Zoro were staring at the quartermaster as if they'd just seen the gates of hell pop open over his shoulder. Franky had only been a Straw Hat for a month, but he was at their side when those two nuts had strolled through the burning Enies Lobby to fight off an entire army. A dictionary would have gladly used the pair of them for the definition of 'tough suicidal SOB', and there was nothing Franky cared to imagine that should be able to put that look on their faces.

"The captain's...daughter?" Zoro's words were slow with a very reluctant question tagged to the end. 

"No," Sanji groaned. "Not again. Not another one."

Franky nudged up his dark glasses and studied his friends. "You guys know something I don't?"

Sanji licked his lips and didn't seem to notice the pirates who'd grabbed his arms to drag him towards the aft deck. "We've met four of these before," he muttered. "Daughter of this, princess of that, captain of something or other. They're always the same: in their teens, beautiful figure, gorgeous two-toned hair in small braids, dressed in scanty leather clothing-"

Sanji's tone and expression were exactly opposite of what Franky - who thought he knew what made his Cook-bro tick by now - would have expected considering the subject. 

"Waitaiminute, you're _complaining?_ " 

"You don't get it!" Sanji dug his heels in, then he must have remembered that the plan required their compliance for now, so he let the pirates drag him up the stairs. His captors were giving him weird looks on the sly. Franky didn't blame them. "You weren't there, Franky. When they come on board, something terrible always happens. I can't seem to articulate two words together without gushing, aimlessly running around shouting Mellorine and acting like a prat-"

"That's how you always behave around women," said Franky and Zoro at the same time.

"But with them on board it's _all_ I do! Suddenly I can't think anymore, I can't put together a plan that doesn't involve cooing over them, I can't reef a sail, take stock of our stores, calculate tonnage, cook a nutritious meal that doesn't involve tons of sugar- and I can't fight anymore! The girl had to save _me_ last time! And they're _only interested in Luffy or Zoro!_ It’s hell, I tell you! HELL!" 

Now Franky admired Luffy on a number of levels, but not for his ability to romance the ladies. Zoro didn't qualify much in that department either. "Huh?" was all he could think to say.

"They have a power." Zoro looked like he was gearing up for some impossible ordeal, face a mask, teeth clenched (apparently being able to talk with a sword in his mouth had improved his ability to enunciate under any conditions). "A strange, sick power."

"-and their eyes," Sanji was saying in the background, expression haunted. "The color keeps changing depending on their mood, it makes your stomach turn to watch them flickering around like party lights - and when they go silver you _know_ the shit's going to hit the fan-"

"Five minutes after we meet them they pick a fight with me," Zoro growled, "and when they win, they act like I should be impressed rather than really pissed off and wanting a rematch."

That was almost as startling as Sanji being afraid of scantily dressed people of the female persuasion. "Whoa, you got beaten up by a girl?"

"Four of them in succession," Sanji supplied helpfully.

"I couldn't fight back!" Zoro snarled. "I told you, they have some kind of insane devil fruit power. They draw these sparkly swords with names like Windy Ice and Fiery Blossom, and I'm suddenly nailed to the ground and batting air. Their stance is pathetic, they swing like they're trying to knit, their attacks are weak and without follow-through, but I can't-"

"The first time he fought one, the poor marimo tripped over his swords and landed at her feet," Sanji, still being helpful, informed Franky. 

Zoro's murderous glare suggested that the cook was being, perhaps, a little too helpful. 

Franky was fascinated, but then the corsairs shoved the three of them onto the grimy planks of the aft deck and he remembered they had other concerns. "Okay fellas, I can see why you wouldn't want to meet those skirts again, but in this instance, I think-"

"It's not just me and the love-cook. As soon as they show up, Luffy loses what few brains he has, Chopper could be stuffed for all he makes sense, Usopp turns into a three-year-old yes-man, Nami- okay, Nami's still a money-grubbing witch, but she gets even worse-"

Sanji kicked, Zoro ducked, the two pirates who'd been standing behind him were carried off to the infirmary by their comrades, and by then it was too late for Franky to enlighten his nakama. Oh well, they'd figure it out soon enough.

The largest, ugliest bosun Franky had ever been given to see stepped out onto the aft deck, idly swinging the cat o' nine tails by its leather-encased handle. The unbraided ends of the rope clacked together; the bastards had tied knots in them. The bosun's simian features were twisted with anticipatory glee. Franky wrestled with the urge to remove that expression permanently and replace it with a whole lot of lumps. It was tempting, but they had to stick with the plan and act like average captives until these dimwitted pirates took them to their island lair and their treasure, which would hopefully be large enough and shiny enough for Nami to _finally_ forget they'd left a mountain of gold behind when they'd run away from Thriller Bark. Even Luffy had agreed that that was a cause worthy of a detour. Franky, who had to agree with Nami that money for repairs and food and such _was_ rather nice to have, had been the first to volunteer. Sanji had said yes as soon as Nami smiled, and Zoro had agreed to go when she took out her pocket abacus and started muttering about rates.

So beating up the bosun would have to wait. Zoro, Sanji and Franky had to put up with whatever these rats dished out so they could locate this bloody secret base and find a den-den mushi to direct the Sunny there. _Then_ they could kick a whole lot of ass in the most righteous and smooth of ways while waiting for the others to play catch-up.

"That's not a girl," Zoro said, effectively derailing Franky's thoughts of retribution and sending them careening into very strange territory indeed. 

"Definitely a man," Sanji concurred, eyeing the bosun. "Or possibly a gorilla." 

Franky would have approved of his bad-ass brothers' in-your-face attitude if he didn't suspect it wasn't being put on.

"What's going on?" Sanji asked him.

"That's the captain's daughter-"

"Ugly."

"Don’t insult a lady, marimo," said Sanji with what had to be a knee-jerk reflex, seeing how his visible eye had gone large and glassy. 

Franky sighed. He loved his new bros, he really did, and they were strong, enduring and frighteningly single-minded in a fight, which was probably why they were having a hard time letting go of this captain's daughter concept. "I'm talking about the _lash_. The captain's daughter is a sailor's name for the cat. I thought all pirates knew that."

"...I've only been a pirate a few months." Zoro eyed the instrument as if he didn't fully trust it not to turn into some leather-clad bimbo.

"Zeff did use the term in some of his glory-day stories," Sanji admitted, fishing for his cigarettes and obviously trying to get his cool back. "I just forgot in the heat of the moment. So this means we're not going to be dragged in front of some scantily dressed teenager with reality-warping powers, we're just going to get flogged?"

Franky threw up his arms in a victory pose (accidentally beaning the foulmouthed quartermaster while he was at it). "Aow! You finally got it! Good for you guys!" He'd decided not to take issue with the ' _just_ getting flogged'. From the sound of it, there were perils upon the oceans he'd never even considered. 

"Feh," Zoro sniffed.

"That translates to 'Bring it on', gorilla-boy," Sanji informed the bosun, whose eyes bulged in a most unpleasant way.

"You heard the love-cook. Hell, start with me."

"Or with me, who gives a shit."

"Yeah," said Franky with a large nod. "Start with them. But if there's a gorgeous near-naked chick on board, _I'll_ be the one to deal with her." Never let it be said that Franky wouldn't take a bullet for his bros.

Either there weren't any scantily-clad women around - which, on most pirate ships, rather went without saying - or else Franky's statement led the bewildered corsairs to conclude that he was the only one of the three prisoners who was halfway sane. And since pirates had always been superstitious about madmen, Franky was the only one who got kissed by the captain's daughter in the end. The lashes were mosquito stings compared to some of the knocks he'd taken on Enies Lobby, but they landed on his unarmored back and remained a minor annoyance until the three Straw Hats got to where they were going and destroyed everything within sight.


End file.
